Exploring Intimacy and Differentiation:A Relational Mindfulness Practice

Compiled by Kekuni Minton, Ph.D. (sources: David Schnarch, Murray Bowen) (Other

citations: John Gottman, Harville Hendrix)

The following points should be considered guidelines for a relational

“mindfulness practice”. This is not a description of a plateau that one

reaches (at least I do not know of anyone who has reached this plateau). It is

an on-going moment-by-moment mindfulness practice.

1. Developing the capacity to have a separate sense of self in close

proximity to one’s partner. You are a “mental health entity”, and your

partner is one. If you are triggered (no matter what is the source), at that

point it is your state. Reactivity and the reactive brain (see point 3 below)

is the enemy of intimacy and differentiation.

• Have your own somatic sense of self (Taking your “seat” in the

relationship. Standing on your own two feet.)

• Have your own sexual sense of self (developing your own sexuality,

your preferences, your needs, your sexual worth)

• Have your ow emotional sense of self (knowing how you feel). Be

responsible for your own emotions, knowing that a pattern of

unmodulated emotional reactivity is dangerous to your health and the

health of the relationship.

• Have your own cognitive sense of self (knowing what you think)

• Have your own spiritual sense of self [developing your own unique

spiritual path (which undoubtedly differs from your partner)]

2. Developing a self-validated sense of self.

• Don’t “find yourself” through your partner. Don’t lose your sense of

self when you are around your partner.

• Take responsibility for your own feelings of well-being or worthiness:

discover your own sexuality, success, beauty, and intelligence through

your own experience and self-validation. If you feel challenged in certain

areas (not good enough, not smart enough), take responsibility to develop

in those areas, or feel your worth and accept yourself as you are. Don’t

make it your partner’s job to make you feel good about your self.

• Unburden your partner of the responsibility of making you feel good

about yourself.

• Anything but a self-validated sense of self is a contingent sense of self.

In a contingent or other-validated sense of self, one’s self of self-worth

and well being are contingent on how one is perceived or received by

others. If your self-esteem is based on how your partner receives you,

what happens when s/he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed or there is

a disagreement between you.

3. Ability to be non-reactive (behaviorally) in the face of your partner’s

reactivity.

Develop the capacity to withstand the reactive moods of your partner

without acting out yourself.

There are two major forms of “reactive mode”: a.) heating up and being

aggressive (fight or flight mode) b.) shutting down and withdrawing (shut

down mode). Both reactive modes are enemies to intimacy and

differentiation. When the brain goes into reactive mode, cortex areas

[prefrontal cortex (executive functioning and mindfulness), left

hemisphere (rational/conceptual processing), and “Broca’s

area” (linguistic processing)] begin to shut down and more primitive

limbic and reptilean areas begin to “light” up. “Limbic logic” (acting

like a “cornered animal”) starts to happen. Each partner has to take

responsibility for keeping themselves out of “reactive mode.” John

Gottman uses the following biofeedback mechanism during a couple’s

dispute: if your pulse is over a hundred, wait until it goes back under a

hundred to continue the discussion. Over a 100 beats per minute and

you are in reactive mode.

• Self-soothe. Being able to self-soothe one’s emotional states, to stay in

relationship without shutting down or “going ballistic” is an important

relational skill.

• Know your relational triggers (where you would normally become

reactive because of past relational dynamics) and work through them.

Unburden your partner of making you feel okay when you reach these

points. Find your “breaking point” and work through it. Do this not for

your partner but for you. Keeping yourself out of “reactive mode’ gives

you a more balanced emotional life. Successfully doing this practice

takes great differentiation skills and will eventually give you a sense of

inner mastery.

• Be responsible for your own emotional state: If you’re triggered its

yours. Making requests for changes in other’s behavior is fine.

However, no one else can change the emotional response that your body

creates with any given stimulus (what feelings, hormones and

neurotransmitters that get dumped into your bloodstream) except you.

Ultimately no one can manage your emotional state once it is created

except you.

4. Ability to tolerate the painful (and pleasurable) feelings that emerge

in intimacy in order to use good judgement.

• All of the above skills necessitate the capacity to tolerate very painful

emotions and subjective states without shutting down or venting or

reacting. Reactivity either causes one to vent the painful feeling, project

it onto an other, or shut down. When one doesn’t over-react

(behaviorally) [see #3 above] or shut down inside, one must have the

ability to breathe with the uncomfortable feelings that are there and self

soothe.

The goal is to keep the prefrontal cortex (which facilitates mindfulness,

capacity for self-reflection and executive functioning) and the left

hemisphere (responsible for rational thinking) “online.” Stay present!

• Unburden your partner of the responsibility of making you feel better.

Self soothe your own anxiety.

5. Ability to empathize with partner: Develop the capacity to empathize

with one’s partner’s experience. The ability to step out on one’s own

shoes and resonate with an other’s experience is essential to intimacy.

According to Harville Hendrix this means:

• Being able to hear your partner’s experience: “If I heard you right, you

said.....”

• Understand their logic (based on their life experience and perceptions):

“I understand how when (event x) occurred, the impact on you was....”

• Empathize with their feelings: “I imagine that makes you feel like....”

6. Interdependency: The capacity to function in an autonomous manner

while simultaneously being able to engage in balanced and reciprocal

dependency with significant others. (Steele, Van der Hart, Nijenhaus),

The definition of healthy attachment states that one can both: a.) soothe

oneself; b.) be soothed by another (yield to being soothed or taken care of

by another.) Unburdening your partner of the responsibility to make you

feel better [see 4. above] does not mean that one cannot tolerate being

soothed by your partner. Being able to be soothed and cared for by

another (and during sex being able to be “turned on” by your partner )

while staying in intimate contact is a necessary skill set for intimacy.

7. Do #1 through #6 above while staying in intimate contact with your

partner.

Many people can do the above skills while meditating, taking a “time

out,” walking in the woods alone, or abruptly leaving their partner in the

midst of an argument. They will find it harder to do while staying in

intimate relationship, especially in eye contact. Develop these skills

while staying in “the heat of the kitchen” (in intimate contact with your

partner).

8. Be aware of your “training program.” Whether we like it or not, we are

always “training” our partners how to treat us and love us. This does not

mean that you are responsible for your partner’s behavior, but it does

mean you are responsible for your “training program.” Be aware of the

difference between intention and impact. For example, if you are

pushing your partner to do something, is it effective for the result you

want? People who are pushed too much often resist. Study what ways of

approaching your partner are actualy effective, not the ways that make

you feel “right.”

If you are punishing your partner by withdrawing, are you engendering

the behavior you want in your partner and the kind of relationship you

desire?

Also, are you “borrowing functioning” (Schnarch) from your partner or

vice versa? Do they handle parts of your functioning (emotional

processing, social connections, initiating sex, creating personal balance

and fulfilment, etc.) that you should be handling yourself? Does this

create resentment and hinder your own growth? Take responsibility for

your core emotional, sexual, and personal happiness—and how it may

affect your partner!